Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
