Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
this beer tastes like vomit already
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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