i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
