last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
They are going to name an STD after you.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
