ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
