i wish there were pregnant emoticons
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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