You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
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the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
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I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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