when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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