we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
