I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
