I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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