Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
