____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
