There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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