Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
