Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
