god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
