Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
