my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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