I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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