I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
