I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
