I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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