Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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