I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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