Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
