i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
