this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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