I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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