i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
