if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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