im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
