Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
