when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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