Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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