wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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