If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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