I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
