Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
