i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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