Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
