I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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