Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
