I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My pussy is not your playground.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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