he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
