I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
