Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
