you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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