Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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