There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
