the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
