My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
