You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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