I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
