I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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