The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
