Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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