The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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