I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
