i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
sarcasm needs its own font
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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